a little coffee

The other day I came to a startling realization about myself. It was Wednesday afternoon and I was just sitting, lalalalala in my cubicle at work and it hit me. The light bulb blinged on. (That image seems a little grand, too “epiphany” for this moment, since epiphanies tend to connote good things, and although this realization wasn’t bad, it wasn’t Eureka! happy. More of a little…weirdish.  Unexpected).

Here it is: I am a social person.

Shock, quel shock! Parental units, are you chuckling yet? Here is some background: when I was still capable of getting grounded, my punishments whenever I misbehaved used to be to go to my room, like most kids. But then, the parents wised up. They realized I actually liked being in there, alone. Mostly so I could read and not be annoyed by my younger siblings. In one of the many houses we lived in, my room had a walk-in closet and that place became my favorite hideout. Then my new punishment became “family bonding time.” Instead of running to my closet after dinner, I was forced to sit on the couch with everyone else- watching what they wanted, tolerating silly like questions, like “how was school today?” And so on.

You see it was a revelation that I, an Introvert, who covets and hoards, her alone time wanted to talk to people.

Back to my revelation that Wednesday afternoon. I was putzing around on the internet, and it occurred to me that I hadn’t exchanged more than two sentences, out loud, with anyone else in the office-in the past few days. A couple quick IM chats, but not a real, live conversation aside from the perfunctory “good morning” and “hello.” And this is typical for the 15 of us. Not because the company demands silence from its employees, it’s just the nature of the job. We sit all day researching online and doing data entry– lonely work. Rarely do we even have meetings but once a quarter. There are many days, like today, where the most human contact I receive is via overheard phone conversations- and my loud boss talking to herself about some company research project, “when did they own this bastard?” This can’t be helped because our cube farm is in a wide, open room and the cubicle walls aren’t tall enough to fully block the view of the next person’s head. (I see the black spikes of my co-workers gelled hair-do.)

A very large part of me wanted to jump up, run through the office, hands flailing around, and yelling my brains out from the tedium of staring at a computer all day. I wonder why no one (and not just people in my office) has acted out like this guy yet. And he’s crazy.

It’s a sad state when I think I’m being disruptive to my co-workers for sneezing- the sound reverberates off the walls! Makes me long for my days of working retail. Sure, people are rude, obnoxious and stupid. “No, I’m sorry, we don’t have any of those in stock anymore.” “What?! Why not?” Shrug because why would I, a lowly part-timer, know. “I’m sorry, sir. I could try to order one from another store for you?” “Ah, forget it.” Stomps off because the Precious Moments Striking Up a Friendship Collectable Bowling figurine wasn’t in stock. And sure, my feet hurt after running all around the store at Christmas time, stocking and restocking shelves of those in-demand Precious Moments collectables. But,hey. At least I was given the satisfaction of what I discovered is a very human need-socializing.

Not that I would willingly go back to that environment. I constantly congratulate myself on my cozy work situation. But when most of my working-hour “socializing” takes place via overheard phone calls regarding the newest systems upgrade, I wonder it it’s time to trash my fantastic benefits and work for Trader Joes. They’re so friendly!

I’m thinking about it…